ups men: voyeurs or victims

last month, like i always do, i came up with a grand photo shoot idea.

dirty eves, i exclaimed. it's perfect! we can dress in leaves, go out to the garden and do a garden of eden shoot!

of course, sister c totally fell for it.

we spent hours on our look.

strapless bras, skimpy panties, both which we plastered with sticky green bean leaves so it looked as if we wore nothing but leaves.

monstrous lioness hair. crimped, ironed, ratted, and hairsprayed to the max.

deep goddess green eyeshadow lining our eyes and strike it rich gold highlighting our brow bones.

bronze dark lipstick. potent blush on cheeks.

finally, we were picture perfect.

i brought out a rihanna cd to blast from the stereo in the garage, and we headed out to the garden.

as we got to the entrance, sister c stopped and asked

did mother k and scary gary lock the gate?

of course they did, i replied.

i never thought otherwise. they always did when the left.

i kicked off my garden clogs in the pathway, and we kicked off the garden of eden shoot.

we hid in the gargantuan tomato bushes, peeked through the viny green beans, and layed amongst the spreading cucumbers. we were having a ball.

give me fairy pose!

give me goddess pose!

give me sports illustrated pose!

what's that noise?

we froze. a low rumbling could be heard. helicopters? thunder?

ups man?

shocked, we turned to the roaring source.

it turned out, the gate was not locked.

we stared, openmouthed, as the big brown box sped up the driveway.

we threw each other an outraged glance and together, in perfect synchronicity, we dived under the nearby fig tree. praying its voluptuous leaves would cover our bareness. we stifled shrieks as the big brown box came to a noisless halt.

we flattened ourselves even more into the dirt.

sister c, in the position to spy, gave me a play by play as i lay there stiff.

"he got out. he's walking towards the door. he's going around to the back where the pool is! we could have been skinny dipping! uh oh, he's coming towards the garden! he stopped! whew... he's leaving!"

we breathed sighs of heavenly relief.

we got up, brushed ourselves off, and began to walk to the garden door. only to observe it's wide open welcomeness, and the scene of my garden clogs footless in the visible path, looking as if they had been thrown off in haste.

we agreed. we were dang lucky dirty evies.

lust without love

i was sitting here. thinking that i needed to find inspiration to resume my blogging, when sister c provided perfect blogging fodder.

i was rereading old blog posts, when out of the blue she says:

-remember craig? didn't i tell you about him?

i roll my eyes.

+yes sister c, you went on about him just the other day. the older science guy with the two kids, right?

-right, she sighed.

silence. i waited for the inevitable to continue.

-he was the sexiest man i've ever met.

(my eyes bulged at these foreign words coming out of her mouth)

-he was cute and everything, but just something about him was so sexy.

-you know,

(my attention started to wander as she took a deep breath)

-if he had ducked into a science room, i would have ducked in with him.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech...my mind halted. i blinked. numerous times. what?

+uh, i said, staring at her, i'm assuming you wouldn't be talking about black holes. at least not scientific ones.

she gave an embarrassed giggle.

-oh stop it. i was just thinking that that was total lust without love. i've never felt so instinctively attracted to someone before.

i held myself immobilized as her statements washed over me. my body quivered in offense to this wrong, oh so very wrong conversation.

as much as i tried to muffle her, one last statement spilled out

-i wrote two poems about hiiiimmmmmuffle.

i forbid myself to even entertain the thought of these two poems. what could be written in them could scar me for life.